Friday, 1 July 2016

Bungo the Barbarian - Chapters 4 & 5

Bungo the Barbarian - Chapter 4, The Unexpected Booty.


Bungo scrutinised the filthy piece of paper with a well-practiced adventurer’s eye. Needless to say his first reaction had been to stuff the paper into his mouth in a desperate attempt to see if it was made of gold, unfortunately his fears were confirmed when the heady aroma and abysmal flavour had left no question in his mind that the yellow staining was merely Derpo faeces.


Spluttering uncontrollably and wiping at his streaming eyes; Bungo was suddenly roused to awareness again by a distant rumbling noise, followed by the crash of a portcullis somewhere in the Temple.


“I’ve got you now Bungo!” whined an unreasonably high pitched, annoying voice from nowhere in particular. It seemed to be emanating from the walls themselves.


“Trapped?” mused Bungo, as he stroked his chiselled jaw. As if in time to his own thoughts there was another rumbling noise and a massive wrought-iron cage was lowered from the ceiling on several colossal chains. It crashed to the ground roughly and the door sprung open.


“Prepare to meet your doom Bungo!” the grating voice cried, followed by the sound of maniacal laughter that dwindled into the distance.


A creature burst from the confines of the cage in a blur of fur and fangs. “A Gassmonnog?” gasped Bungo, in a manly fashion.


The creature was easily 4 times as tall as the erstwhile barbarian and its lupine form was crested with seven chittering hawkish heads. Its foul mutations were even more evident than that though and Bungo was horrified to see a pair of large and unruly breasts that hung pendulously from its bestial torso; and seemed to be constantly trod underfoot during its ill-advised attempts to move.


“Foul creature who would defy the beauty of breasts” Bungo swore a solemn curse as he circled the prowling creature. “Prepare to die by my blade”. With that last utterance, Bungo leapt bodily into the air and drew Donglore in a blistering downward execution strike. The creature squawked with terror as Bungo landed with volcanic force on its exposed back and buried the blade deep between its shoulder blades. Crimson ichor erupted from the wound in a bloody fountain, but before Bungo could finish the strike and bury the blade in its heart he was beset by a flurry of gnashing beaks. He stumbled back under the onslaught; momentarily losing his footing on its undulating back. The loss of focus was all it took for his grip to loosen and the burly barbarian was thrown roughly to the ground.


Bungo looked up from his prone position in time to see the creature rear up; preparing to crush his manly form into somewhat less manly sludge.


Bungo the Barbarian - Chapter 5, Toilet-Brush with Death


For an agonising moment Bungo’s life flashed before his eyes. His reverie was broken when the room erupted in a shower of crimson lightning that left the Gassmonnog frizzled, convulsing and defecating uncontrollably.


Bungo didn’t care where the lightning had come from; all that mattered was that he had the chance to seize victory. He sprang from the ground and grabbed the hilt of his mighty blade where it still protruded from the beast’s back. His biceps bulged as he twisted the weapon like a ghastly corkscrew; suitably blenderising the prone monster’s internal organs. Its death rattle echoed through the chamber with a sound that was faintly reminiscent of the explosive anal decompression that Bungo had once suffered while under the tender mercies of the Butt-Goblins of Turdmondaz.


Silence descended once again and Bungo was left panting to catch his breath.


“Oh Bungie, that was so manly” beckoned a honey laden, seductive voice from a darkened corner of the room.


“Shallica?” The question probed the darkness momentarily, until the familiar succubean princess hovered into view. As usual she was levitating at head height with the barbarian; reclining on a bed of invisible air, and kicking her legs absentmindedly as she moved. Her voluptuous form was scantily clad in the traditional bikini-armour of her kin.


“Must you always interrupt my deadly struggles?” Bungo’s heroic voice echoed through the empty chamber.


“Well, I just got so jealous seeing you getting all sweaty with another woman”


“A woman?” Bungo queried, surveying his surroundings for the damsel in question.


“Well, it did have breasts!” Shallica pouted; vaguely gesturing at the mauled carcass of the once proud Gassmonnog.


It was at that moment that Bungo suddenly spun away from the jealous succubus.


“Did you hear that?” he rumbled.


“I think I did” Shallica paused; licking her lips seductively. “Did it sound like something BIG and HARD hitting the inside of your fabulous crotch plate?…” The last few syllables were obscured by a sudden flow of saliva and her eyes hungrily explored Bungo’s masculine form.


“We need to investigate” replied Bungo obliviously; his attention was focused elsewhere.


Shallica’s only reply was an impish giggle as she floated ever closer to the barbarian’s generous cod piece. Her advance was cut short however; as Bungo planted an enormous boot straight through the wall to his immediate left. The masonry crumpled pathetically under the crushing impact; seemingly imploding in on itself for a moment as his leg disappeared up to the knee into the strained stonework. As the dust settled the hole in the wall revealed an adjacent corridor.


"Excelsior!" he declared deafeningly, before striking a pose and bounding off down the freshly excavated passage. Shallica followed silently in toe; dribbling incoherently and mumbling about the heroic qualities of Bungo’s firm buttocks.

Well that rounds out this week's episode of everyone's favourite Barbarian. If you missed the first 3 earth shatteringly divine chapters find them here:

Don't forget to check back in next Friday for the next nail-biting instalment.

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