Bungo the Barbarian, Chapter 21 - Adventure Mart Upstart

 

Not far from the beach, Bungo and Shallica had stumbled across a strange hut seemingly at the entrance to Turdmondaz. The weary travellers’ alarm had soon changed to amusement when they realised that it was one of many chain stores that were always placed handily right in front of all major dungeons. The sparkling neon lettering emblazoned above the threshold proudly read “Adventure Mart” in bold capital letters. In their exhausted state, the building had an almost unquantifiable draw; an oasis of sorts for travellers.

 

As they approached, the magically enchanted doors opened by themselves and beckoned them in. The interior was bright and clean; with soothing music being played by a tiny harp playing fairelf from somewhere nearby. Needless to say, Bungo had already ruined the cultivated calm of the retail environment by traipsing a large quantity of beach sand in with him. His arrival was also punctuated by a loud bang as he knocked a stack of shoddy discount wands on the ground. They rolled across the floor in a clatter of soon to be broken twigs as Bungo’s oversized boot carelessly ground them into the carefully applied linoleum.

 

“Welcome to Adventure Mart, can I take your order?” A nervous looking shop goblin shuffled round the front counter. He looked at Bungo expectantly with shining eyes; ushering him towards a shelved area where an eclectic selection of goods were displayed. Bungo’s attention was soon caught by an oddly bulbous vial filled with a bubbling red liquid. He eyed the item with suspicion; picking it up in one oversized hand and sniffing it incredulously.

 

“I see you have a keen sense of self-preservation. Our life potions are guaranteed to keep you fighting fit for longer, with their patented dual-guard action.”

 

The salesman continued enthusiastically; sensing a potential sale in the making.

 

“For only 3 more Chromes you could upgrade to the latest edition; Health-Up Diamond Magnum. Its special whitening formula really does wonders to restore your natural lustre.”

 

Shallica’s eyebrows raised almost imperceptibly with concern. Bungo uncorked the concoction; wafting the unfettered potion under his nose.

 

“This is just grape juice.” The barbarian rumbled the words quizzically, before sticking his finger down the glass bottle to taste the mixture. His massive digit stuck fast in the finely turned ornate bottleneck. He struggled for a moment, before trying to nonchalantly move the item out of eyesight of the shop-clerk while feigning interest in another product. A short while later, the sound of broken glass could be heard from nowhere in particular; followed by some tuneless whistling.

 

A bead of nervous sweat ran down the shopkeeper’s brow, and he shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot trying to think of something to say. A moment passed in silence, until he followed Bungo’s disinterested gaze to the clothing aisle, and he took the opportunity to move towards products that weren’t so fragile.

 

“Maybe you’d be interested in these hand-knitted Derpo-pants. They were a limited run” he paused mid-sentence “or at least we haven’t had a shipment for quite some time. Their sporty design really gives great air flow”. He held up the threadbare fatigues gingerly; trying to position them to avoid the wide yellow-brown stain that was spattered across the crotch. Shallica made a muffled gagging sound as she threw up a little bit in her throat.

 

“Go on, give them a try”. The clerk held up the item; wafting it towards Bungo and Shallica seductively. His only reply was a sharp horrified screech from Shallica that cut the organised calm of the shop like a knife, followed by a loud bang as she scrambled to hide under a nearby table. The she-demon’s hissing face appeared from under the tablecloth a moment later; snarling like a feral feline surrounded by wolves.

 

“Maybe not” rumbled Bungo, swaggering further down the aisle. He stopped briefly to inspect a murky green jar that was labelled with the words “Pickled Hero Sausage”. As he stared, several meaty objects loomed out of the slimy depths; accompanied by what appeared to be a reptilian eye and some shoelaces. Bungo grunted approvingly before stuffing the item down the front of his leather pants and walking on.

 

The shop clerk was oblivious to Bungo’s banditry, as he had spent the last few minutes trying to coax Shallica out from her hiding spot with little success. Resigned to the fact that she was unlikely to come out any time soon, and with a face covered in spittle for his trouble, the clerk turned back towards Bungo; only to see him staring out the shop window with an intense look on his face.

 

“Something’s coming”. The words had gravity to them, and almost as if on the command of some strange magic, an ominous rumbling sound could be heard approaching steadily.

 

The noise seemed to build to a vibrating crescendo as it got closer, and the whole Adventure Mart started to shake. Several potions were dislodged from the shelves by the din; intermixing the heady stench of strange spices and grape juice into the sensory overload. As the volume increased a multitude of jabbering screeching voices could be heard.

 

“It’s here!” Bungo sounded unusually excited; his deep baritone was barely audible over the din. A heart beat later, the wooden shop wall exploded in a shower of splintered wood as a colossal steed broke through carrying a small terrified figure on its back. They skidded to a stop in the store; followed by a swarm of angry raging butt-goblins with weapons bared.

Bungo the Barbarian, Chapter 20 – Between Delusion and a Hard Place

Shallica, can you hear me?” Bungo’s rich baritone voice seemed oddly distant to the she-demon. Teetering on the verge of consciousness; she began to feel an odd sensation. She could feel herself being lifted from the ground in Bungo’s powerful arms. Shallica squealed inwardly with delight at the sensation; her lofty thoughts of their love and daydreams about the wedding ceremony were shattered moments later when the embrace turned into a colossal burping as Bungo bounced her on his shoulder. The mood was well and truly ruined when she coughed up a pint of tepid seawater down Bungo’s chiselled back, and he plunked her down on her feet unceremoniously.

 

The oafsome barbarian resolved into focus as Shallica drearily opened her eyes. He was leaning over her with a look of concern; and more importantly he wasn’t wearing a chamber pot helmet on his head for the first time in weeks. They seemed to have washed up on some type of beach, but there was no sign of their ship, or any wreckage to speak of.

 

“What happened, anyway?” The barbarian seemed even more clueless than usual. “The last thing I remember I was sitting down to a nice dinner and some bunk swill. There was a storm, and…”

 

“Bungo?” Shallica’s eyes filled with tears and she threw her arms around him; although at him might have been a more apt description of the motion as the barbarian’s girth was so great that she could barely reach across his herculean chest with both arms fully outstretched.

 

“You’ve come back to your senses!”

 

The conversation that followed lasted some time, as Shallica had to explain every event since Bungo had been bludgeoned into senselessness. She left out a few of the details about how he had been calling himself “Donglore”, and she thought that he would rather not know that he had been wearing a chamber pot on his head. Despite her attempts to streamline the conversation, it took several hours as she laboriously explained simple concepts like “ship” and “mast”. Finally Bungo’s expression cleared in some dim facsimile of what most people would call understanding. A second later, his brow furrowed with confusion once again and his finger was poised; ready with a fresh question.

 

“Just one more thing…” the barbarian stroked his jaw thoughtfully for a moment before spinning around and pointing almost directly upwards at the colossal spires of Turdmundaz that spiralled off into the seemingly infinite sky only mere feet away from where the two of them were stood “What are we doing here?”

 

There was a short dumbfounded pause.

 

“You know what they do to you here…” Bungo had a feverish look about him as he spoke nervously. His voice suddenly dropped to a whisper “That!”

 

Shallica looked at him quizzically; her large amber eyes exploring Bungo’s oddly shaken visage with a new sense of interest. Taken in by his sudden change in demeanour, she lowered her voice and leaned closer to the panic stricken warrior, giving them the appearance of a pair of plotting thieves.

 

“What is … That!?” she whispered the last part rather loudly, as her enthusiasm ran wild. Bungo’s hand almost immediately came up and covered her mouth.

 

“Shhhh.” The barbarian’s eyes darted from side to side.

 

“Don’t say it, don’t even think it …. I’ll tell you, but only once, and we’ll never speak of it again”. Shallica’s delicate face bobbed up and down, still partially smothered by Bungo’s hand.

 

“I’ve been here before.” He began quietly.

 

“It was a long time ago, but I’ll never forget what I saw.” Shallica was already completely absorbed, and a little scared too.

 

“We were captured by them.” Bungo motioned to Turdmundaz “the Butt-Goblins!” His voice went strange and high pitched with the last word, adding a sense of eerie mysticism to the tale. Shallica jumped slightly.

 

“There was one man; young and strong. They took him into a cell. He was screaming, crying out for his mother after just seeing it. Then they made us watch while they ….” His voice was drowned out momentarily by a particularly large wave that crashed against the shore. Shallica couldn’t make out the words, but she could see Bungo go red in the face. His eyes bulged from their sockets and sweat ran in torrents from his forehead as he gesticulated wildly; his whirling arms seeming to form some type of repetitive plunging motion.

 

His muffled disposition continued until the sound of the waves began to grow quieter, and Bungo seemed to reach a crescendo. Finally his voice cleared.

 

“Until the handle broke off! And then they just pulled his pants up like it was nothing!” He stopped; wheezing, with a crazed look in his eyes.

 

“Like it was nothing!!” Bungo buried his head in the sea. The last declarations were drowned out gurgles as he continued his tirade underwater, but she could still make out that he was saying something about “that”.

 

Shallica just stood there shaking; left to imagine unknown horrors that would never be divulged.

 

 

 

A Satirical Look at Eighth Edition

There comes a time when every man has to throw in his two cents on a topic that is as ground-breaking in the hobby world as a new edition of 40k. Unfortunately for my poor readers, I decided to consult the dark gods directly and obtained a vision from another dimension. A dimension where the biggest Chaos Marine around struggles to come to terms with his place in the new edition...

Chapter 1 - State of Contusion

 

Bignimuus rapped the slide of his big gun with an even bigger hand.

 

"8th Edition eh?" he rumbled. His oversized lips grinding together; turning the sentence into the distant rumble of an oversized ogre. His beady eyes glared down at the new starter set in front of him.

 

"These supposedly extra big marines look a little small to me..." he pressed down on one Primaris marine with a gargantuan thumb; reducing the plastic plaything to a slagged heap of contorted crappola with little effort.

 

"Fight back you cowards!" he roared, unloading a whole magazine from his engorged bolter into the gaming table. Time seemed to go into slow motion as devastated cardboard mixed with erupting wood and dismembered miniatures.

 

The stricken pieces fell to the ground in a shower of tinkling remnants. Bignimuus eyed his bolter excitedly; seeming to notice on some level that it was now capable of blasting through a Dreadnought's front armour. Perhaps there was more to this edition stuff than he had given it credit for.

 

Before long, the grim scene was disturbed by the graunching sound of active power armour as Titanicoor loomed through the doorway. His legs were so huge and over-muscled that he could barely walk, and his thigh plates ground together in a shower of unnecessary sparks as he entered the room. He was holding one of the new Death Guard miniatures cradled in his arms.

 

"Mighty brothers, you have been shrunken and frozen by some foul sorcery!". Titanicoor blubbered big stinky tears; looking down lovingly at the tiny bare plastic Plague Marine.

 

"By the dark gods!" Boomed Bignimuus "What has happened to our once proud brother!?".

 

Titanicoor's only reply was to hold out a freshly printed rulebook. The glossy paperback was dwarfed by Titanicoor's mailed hand. Bignimus snatched the proffered item hungrily; eyeing it with incredulity.

 

"This?!" he raged; flipping thought the pages.

 

"We'll see about that!"

 

Chapter 2 - Tabletop Tantrum

Bignimuus' narrowed eyes glared coldly into his opponent's sweaty visage. His hand moved slowly to his holster; and then carried on towards the tabletop. He shunted the blight drone forwards  a few inches and then ended his turn.

 

 

His opponent threw a hand full of dice, nervously joking about the quantity of plasma he was wielding and then declared victory. He then had the audacity to reach out tentatively to remove the Blight Drone from the table.

 

Bignimuus didn't like this game. With a spittle flinging roar, he ground the table underfoot and punched his opponent's head clean off his shoulders with a looping lariat. The poor man's headless body swung in the breeze for an agonising moment while the massive marauder took a bite out of the rulebook like it was a club-sandwich.

 

Titanicoor looked on miserably from the side-lines lamenting the loss of the once proud morale phase that they had previously used to cause lesser men turn tail and run, but that now apparently beamed terrified guardsmen off of the battlefield without spilling a drop of blood. It seemed too clean somehow.

 

"Would you stop blubbering!" Bignimuus screamed unnecessarily; sending a spray of half-digested paper into the air. Titanicoor was blowing his nose into an oversized hankie that just about managed to stop the seemingly never-ending stream of snot flowing from his front-grill.

 

"But the dreadnought can be killed by bolter fire now..." he whined in the deepest and most manly way possible.

 

"I will avenge your pain" Bignimuus rumbled; soon following up his declaration by making a ship-wide announcement.

 

"Warrior Brothers prepare for landfall; target, GW HQ Nottingham!"

 

Chapter 3 - Apocalypse How?

 

“Commandeer that Rhino!” Boomed Bignimuus, whilst whirling his chainsword above his head like some grim helicopter with roid rage.

 

Despite its seemingly traitorous colouring, this “Warhammer World” place seemed to be sporting a veritable arsenal of Imperial weaponry. Bignimuus climbed on board the unmanned vehicle; before promptly falling straight through the badly-finished MDF panelling up to his waist.

 

“By the dark gods!” he declared frothily, “They’ve been changing the rules again. Are Rhinos truly made of such flimsy-material in Eighth Edition?”

 

With no way to activate the replica transport, Bignimuus was left with only one option that made sense to his swollen mind.

 

“Brother Enormotank! Push me closer, I want to hit them with my sword!”

 

“Yeauuh, Bruutha!” the reply came across the vox network as a throaty growl, and within moments the bizarre battle group were underway; gouging huge ravines into the floor with the faux tank’s un-turning tracks.

 

Unexpectedly, but inevitably, their path was soon blocked by a banged up Ford Cortina.

 

“Super-King Blokk, I have some information.” The treaty voxed straight to Bignimuus’ ear-bead. He recognised Titanicoor’s voice immediately despite the distortion and the whistling of the wind. Titanicoor continued “It seems that in this new edition, vehicles have been given a Weapons Skill Value and will be able to fight in close combat…”

 

“Whaaatt!” Bignimuus screeched to a halt in direct base-to-base contact with the cowering Cortina. What happened next would one day come to be a point of contention amongst historians, but most agree that the resulting explosion was what led to the destruction of the entire world.

 

Well, that's all folks. I bet you feel really enlightened about the new edition now! For those who stuck around to the end, I can only commend your good taste and impeccable sense of humour. Until next time.

 

On the off chance that anyone actually enjoyed this article, don't forget to read Bungo the Barbarian, as there are plenty of hilarious chapters available to read now!

 

Bugo the Barbarian - Chapter 18, Bungo and the Briney Beast

A week passed as The Excelsior was lost amongst the waves; days running together into one endless night of thunderous fury. It was a miracle the barely seaworthy hulk hadn’t capsized yet, but nobody on board dared to breathe a word of it lest their last remaining fear would come to pass. Bungo had been no help either; feverish with amnesia and unable to leave his sickbed.

 

Shallica was on deck; perched on the prow of the ship. For the second day in a row, she looked out into the tumultuous grey and hoped for salvation. She squinted against the unrelenting downpour; for a moment a shape seemed to loom in the distance.

 

“Land!” Her exultant cry as cut short by confusion. The land seemed to be moving, or at least it appeared to have disappeared into the mists, like a wishful mirage just beyond reach.

 

Janboe was up the rigging in an instant and staring through his sexton at the object. Shallica wondered whether he knew how to use the nautical instrument at all. Come to think of it, it might explain why they’d been stuck in the storm for so long. It didn’t help her confidence when his trousers inexplicably fell down around his ankles and he scrambled to pull them up again; fumbling with the buckle for an unnecessarily long amount of time that made her wonder if the act was intentional.

 

Suddenly, Janboe’s face took on a different air; he shouted something down to the deck, but the words were lost amidst the storm. Judging from the goblin’s frantic arm movements it wasn’t good news. Her suspicions were confirmed when the ship suddenly lunged to one side in response to a loud crashing noise. A spray of water lapped across the deck and for one moment Janboe’s voice cut above the storm. The only word she could make out was “Serpent”, although by this stage it was irrelevant as the colossal creature she had originally mistaken for land reared its dinosauric head above the water.

 

At almost 30 feet tall above the waves it was impossible to tell the actual size of the beast. Its fiery eyes stared down hungrily at the sea hands that were scrambling on deck in an attempt to regain control of the wildly listing Excelsior. It lurched forward with the speed and destructive power of a lightning strike; neatly snatching a straggling cabin-boy from the crowd and wharfing him down in a shower of meaty chunklets. The disturbing scene was made all the more obscene as the creature emitted an odd purr that reverberated through the beams of the ship; it was laughing.

 

Shallica took to the air; her sensuous form spiralling straight for the beast’s draconian maw. At the last minute she twisted away and blazed demonic lightning into the right side of its face. The bolts cracked through the air; seeming to take power from the storm itself. The blast discharged against its flesh in a sizzling eruption that would have flash-fried a charging Wendigo, but barely scratched the surface of its iron-hard scaled hide. It turned immediately; snapping at thin air as Shallica flew overhead.

 

She turned in mid-flight, cutting her levitation and plummeting like a stone past its right flank. Her perception seemed to go into slow motion as the serpentine beast turned towards her, there was an opening for a brief moment and in that instant she sent another weave of lightning scorching into its face. This time the magical fires found their mark and its right eye exploded like a rotten pomegranate with a spray of pus and viscera. It threw its head back; wracked with pain; before its serpentine form crashed bodily to the deck.

 

The ship heaved out of the water in response to the sea beast’s bulk; cresting a particularly large wave before crashing down into the tumultuous sea with a resounding explosion of salt-water. Shallica’s magical power had begun to wane after she had expended so much energy in the assault; she floated unsteadily to the main sail and held on for dear life; drained of strength.

 

“We’re all gonna die!” screamed Janboe; wildly firing a pair of rapid fire hand crossbows ineffectually at the Excelsior’s monstrous occupant. He threw the spent weapons down and dived under a cargo sheet. Whether he’d ever emerge again was questionable, but even amidst the chaos Shallica still couldn’t help but notice that his trousers seemed to have fallen round his ankles again.

 

It was in that moment of utter despair, when all hope seemed lost, that something incredible happened.

 

“Who dares disturb the great Donglore – Lord of the Underworld!” The voice that boomed from somewhere inside the ship was so deep and manly that Shallica immediately went weak at the knees and collapsed pantingly against the main sail.

 

The cabin door flew open a moment later and Bungo emerged. Clad only in his leather pants and wearing a well shined chamber pot on his head he was a sight to behold. On closer inspection it seemed that he had through some unknown means bored a pair of eye holes in the shining spittoon, and he was standing proudly with his hands placed firmly at his hips. His rippling physique seemed even more bulbous amidst the storm as a flash of lightning illuminated his steely pecs magnificently.

 

The entire ship went silent; even the din of the storm and the crashing of the waves seemed to quiet in dumfounded confusion as the strange scene unfolded.

 

Leaping into the fray, Bungo delivered an explosive kick to the monster’s ruined eye socket. The force was so great that the charging barbarian’s colossal leg was momentarily buried up to the knee in the creature’s ruined face. He pulled his sticky leg out with a grunt of exertion; following it up wilt a ludicrously big punch that drove the massive creature 10 skidding metres across the deck; its bulk snapped the mainsail like a twig.

 

The Sea beast mewled pathetically as the Avatar of Donglore bore down on it.

“There’s….” Bungo paused, gathering speed for a new charge “No Escape!” He roared the last words as he tackled the monster again; driving his shining bed-pan-helm hard into its jugular. A colossal wind rocked the ship as all of the air was expelled from the beast’s lungs.

 

“BICEPS OF JUSTICE GIVE ME STRENGTH!” Bungo’s new persona seemed to be running wild. He leapt at the creature like an enraged tiger; wrapping his steely arms around its neck in an unrelenting bear-hug. It tried to roll away and back into the sea, but the bulksome warrior coiled his legs around its snake like throat and dug in deeper.

 

After several agonising minutes of straining, the beast finally went limp in Bungo’s arms. Its tongue rolled out listlessly as life left its body.

 

Not one to leave a job half finished, Bungo delivered a final boot to the creature that sent the lifeless beast plunging into the depths below.

 

“That’ll be 10 silver pieces each.” Janboe’s high pitch voice sounded from his vantage point on the floor. He dusted himself off and held out his hand expectantly. The crew looked at him blankly.

 

“It’ll be a cold day in hell when I let anyone see a man like Bungo choke the one-eyed-snake for free.”

Bungo the Barbarian, Chapter 17 – Amnesiac Attack

Bungo’s head appeared; looming over the side of the lumbering vessel like the pale face of some prehistoric turtle poking out of its shell. Without a moment’s delay he vomited profusely down the flank of the ship with all the subtlety of an erupting geyser; pouring an eclectic spray of foodstuffs into the tumultuous deeps below.

“I was born for the sea!” declared Bungo boomingly; springing back onto the deck with feigned enthusiasm. He seemed oblivious to the strings of saliva that dangled grotesquely from his decidedly pale visage, or the fact that he’d been sea sick for hours.

“That…” Shallica began shakingly “was the grossest thing I have ever seen”. In truth it wasn’t so much the vomiting that was disgusting, but the fact that Bungo had been variously eating and vomiting ever since the storm had broken over 4 hours earlier. Her words went unheeded; the oafsome barbarian was already sitting down to another plate of frothy gruel and an even frothier tankard of Bunk Swill.

Just as Bungo was struggling to fasten a fresh napkin around his neck, there was a sudden thunder-crack that seemed to be forewarning for the largest wave yet. Salty spray lashed across the vessel; batting a few unwary seafarers from the deck and into the ocean below. The waves broke against Bungo’s manly chest pathetically, but his dinner was dashed to the ground and ruined. In truth it was probably just cutting out the middle man, but Bungo furrowed his brow in annoyance nonetheless.

“Duck!” Shallica’s suddenly leapt to the floor as the mast spun on its axis; caught in a deadly crosswind, and the massive beam swung across the deck.

“Duck for dinner?” Bungo pondered “I think I’d like another Hero Sausage actually…” he was stopped mid flow as the colossal wooden plank collided with the back of his head; eliciting an explosive crash that for a moment even seemed to drown out the sound of the storm. The Barbarian swayed on his feet unsteadily; incredibly surviving the blow that would have caved in the skull of a lesser man. He teetered and lurched a single step forwards; his mouth opening slightly.

“and another Bunk-Swill…” The words left his mouth in a whisper, before he fell limply to the deck.

“I love a good storm” Janboe swaggered through the cabin door, before slamming it behind him.  A dangerously swinging lantern rocked from side to side in time to the vessel’s undulating movement, revealing the interior of the room in a hazy orange glow. Bungo lay unconscious on a gaudy bed with his head wrapped in an unnecessary quantity of bandages, Shallica was standing watch over his uncharacteristically prone form.

“The sky…” Janboe seemed to be speaking mostly to himself “all rumbling and grinding … heaving with passion.” He seemed to be building up enthusiasm for some reason. “Spraying the whole world with its fertile juices, and getting it all wet…” His voice went shrill with excitement at the end.

“I’m going back outside!” He opened the door again and rushed from the room. In the distance Shallica could hear him babbling something about “throbbing” and “engorged”, but she didn’t want to pry any further than that. She assumed he’d come to check on the Barbarian, but it was just as likely that he had come to see why the peepholes had been blocked, despite the fact that the ship was leaking worse than a butt-goblin’s sanitation pad.

The irrelevant question was soon forgotten as Bungo groaned, listlessly.

“Where am I?” Bungo’s words were barely audible above the crash of the waves.

Shallica looked down at him in relief with tears in her slitted demonic eyes; before lovingly crushing his face against her ample Succubaean bosom.

“Bungo! You’re alright!” she cried; a panic leaden edge leaving her words a strangely shrill pitch. Unfortunately, what happened next would dash her hopes to the very depths of despair; much like Bungo’s spoiled dinner.

“Who am I?” the barbarian’s question came in a cleavage-muffled groan.

Bungo’s amnesia had begun.

Space Adventure Bravo - Chapter 1, Wormhole Patrol

 

 

Captain Bravo spun in his command chair; suddenly staring directly into the eyes of the vicious Berkosoreian commander that was being projected an imposing 8 feet high across the holo-viewer screen. His steely gaze was unwavering as he gave the same order he always gave when confronted by something new and unexpected.

 

"Fire all guns."

 

His command came as a surprise to the unfortunate alien overlord almost as much as it was a surprise to Bravo's own command crew. In truth the Berkosorians were large in stature, but a benign bovine race of intelligent arthropods that feasted only on plankton and whose flatulence was well known in some parts of the galaxy to actually reverse global warming. Bravo cared not for such details as the first Quantum Beamer Fusillades cycled up to full power and delivered a thundering cannonade across the innocent merchant vessel's port side.

 

"Initiate attack pattern Omega." Bravo's stoic voice reverberated across the bridge through the tactical earpieces of the command crew. A warning claxon began to blare; the flashing red lights illuminating his chiselled jawline as he frowned broodingly into a flickering tactical display.

 

"Captain! Their vessel has no armaments; they're already in retreat". The dissenting voice belonged to a young junior officer, whose tear filled eyes reflected the flashing holo-screen as the Freedom spiralled past the lumbering alien vessel in a nauseating display of interstellar prowess. She was standing before the command chair; holding on of dear life as the gravetic stabilisers struggled to keep up with a vessel that was already at the brink of tearing itself apart.

 

Bravo's only reaction was to pull back on the accelerator lever hard; initiating a further boost in speed up to Light 15. The ship seemed to rock unsteadily and in some before unknown quantum conundrum, the front end raised into the air; beginning some type of space-wheelie and soaring right past the bemused alien vessel. More than a tactical manoeuvre, the action was designed to dislodge the dissenting crewmember from her perch. She tumbled head-over heels straight to the back of the compartment and into the elevator that pinged and closed its doors; whisking her away from the bridge.

 

"I just did you a favour; that was yellow-bellied mutiny!" Bravo remarked to no one in particular, whilst making a mental note to shorten the female crewmember's skirts another few inches to improve on the view that he had been expecting to get. "You can always improve perfection..." he mused, whilst also considering the same uniform change for male officers; he liked airflow.

 

"Captain, the Berkosorian ship is making a run for the neutral zone." The helmsman stopped mid sentence, suddenly reading fresh information that was clattering out of the quantum recorder at an alarming pace "No wait, there's a space-time anomaly forming ahead of them; it's a wormhole sir!".

 

Captain Bravo brought the Freedom around; slowing its speed to Light 4 and turning back towards their would be adversaries.

 

"Go after them, they'll not escape the justice of the Zordian Alliance so easily!". Bravo left his command chair behind and swaggered across the deck to the helmsman. They stared in wonder as the holo-screen lit up with swirling energy as a shimmering Wormhole formed directly ahead. Bravo merely pointed at the centre of the anomaly and gave a single ill-conceived order that would determine the fate of the hundreds of men and women under his command.

 

"Penetrate that hole."

 

He turned; pausing to give a joking wink and the entire bridge erupted in raucous laughter as the Freedom accelerated towards its target.

Bungo the Barbarian, Chapter 16 – Innuendo Crescendo

 

 

The Excelsior rode low in the water. Its massive form seemed to rock unsteadily in time to the undulating waves; helpless under the weight of its own lavishly bedecked aft castles and silken finery. Its cabins were painted sloppily in a generously applied, and seedily peeling coat of thick red paint. The whole ship was gloriously topped in what appeared from a distance to be solid gold wheel at the centre of the helm, but would on closer inspection be revealed as a cheap brass knockoff encrusted with a generously audacious quantity of rhinestones and worthless baubles. As if that wasn’t enough; the gaudy decorations were entirely eclipsed by a colossal topless mermaid statue that boldly crested the prow of the ship.

 

Bungo noticed none of these seemingly small details as heaved Wendy up the gang-plank; bracing his back against her generous hind quarters and pushing with all of his titanic strength. He was excitedly eyeing the words “Excelsior” that had been proudly embossed on the side of the ship when something stopped the odd baggage train in its tracks.

 

“Hold it right there!”

 

Bungo peered round his steed to see a small green Goblin blocking his path; the creature seemed to be bizarrely dressed in a brocaded jacket and tri-corner hat. Even stranger he seemed to be wearing an eye-patch, but was lifting it up to get a good look at the intruding individuals. His beady eyes hungrily took in Bungo’s herculean form.

 

 

“You mean you don’t know who I am?” The odd Goblin gestured at a large badge on his baroque jacket.

 

“Janboe Tigg, Pimp of the Seas…” Bungo read the words slowly, not quite comprehending their meaning. Without concerning himself with the little details like what he was about to get himself into, or what was actually going on, the adventurer made a move to continue up the gang-plank.

 

“I require passage…” as soon as the words left the barbarian’s mouth, Janboe went to work. He clapped his hand once, seemingly signalling the crew. The deck soon rang with the patter of dainty footsteps as a parade of scantily clad women lined up in rows in front of the dumbstruck barbarian, along with a row of infuriatingly camp sailors.

 

“Petunia’s got one hell of a passage; gotta be seen to be believed!” the incredulous Goblin said with a generous wink; waving his arm in the direction of a particularly girth-some woman who was beckoning Bungo invitingly.

 

“Just step right up and that’ll be 3 Pieces of Silver, thank you very much.” He paused for a moment, eyeing Shallica up-and-down curiously, before speaking again.

 

“What’s wrong with this one; a case of Demon-Wang?” Shallica immediately turned red at the suggestion, but Janboe continued regardless.

 

“I think I’ve got an ointment for that, doesn’t cure the Wang, but soothes the engorgement.”

 

Bungo finally managed to interrupt the crazed Goblin’s repartee for a moment by waving his arms wildly.

 

“I don’t want to buy sex! I want to be taken, you know PASSSAGE on THIS SHIP!” Bungo’s booming words reverberated across the deck. The last shouts causing a clamour amongst the crew as they struggled to get a better look at the barbarian interloper.

 

“Oh, right…” Janboe was thinking again for a minute.

 

“Taken on the ship…” The Goblin ummed and ahh’d for a moment before snapping his fingers.

 

“I’ve got it!” He clapped his hands twice more and a muscular man with a moustache appeared from out of the crowd.

 

“This is Klaus, he’ll take your passage on this ship all day long! And for only 2 Pieces of Silver!”

 

There was a slight pause while Bungo’s prehistoric intellect struggled to come to terms with what was happening. Unfortunately the thinking time was mistaken for indecision by Janboe, who immediately offered him a two for one deal and a loyalty card before the barbarian could finally interject again.

 

“What if” Bungo began slowly, sounding out the words one by one in an attempt to get through the labyrinthine sex-trap of a mind he was contending with.

 

“I” the barbarian stopped to gesture to himself and his companions. Janboe was nodding eagerly.

 

“Want a cabin” He paused again, looking the Goblin directly in the eyes for signs of acknowledgement. “Without the sex.” The crew fell silent with looks of confusion. A few laughed at the preposterousness of it, and more than one snicker was heard, until Janboe hushed them meaningfully.

 

“Alone? Everyone in their own room?” The buccaneering Goblin, stopped for a moment.

 

“I get it, but y’know that it’ll cost more to drill the peep-holes right?”

 

Bungo was about to argue, but at this rate it didn’t seem like he’d get a better deal. Exacerbated and more than a little confused, he pushed Wendy’s monstrous form on board with Shallica in tow and they were quickly shown to their adjoining cabins.

 

After promising to come back with a drill, Janboe finally left. As the door creaked shut Bungo cold hear a faint voice echoing through the wall from the next cabin.

 

“I don’t have Demon Wang…” Shallica pouted quietly to herself.