Friday, 29 July 2016

Bungo the Barbarian - Chapter 8, A Deadly Derp in the Dead of Night


Bungo’s muscle-bound reverie was soon interrupted; the chamber seemed to darken momentarily as a second gargantuan Ogroid guard stepped through the broken remnants of the doorway. The beast’s face split in a menacing parody of amusement as it loomed over the barbarian’s masculine form.


“Blaarggh!” the creature intoned, although it was unclear whether this was intended as a vicious war cry, or perhaps it was merely the sound of some malicious bowel movement brought on by too much fine dungeon cuisine.


The beast’s monstrous form swayed unsteadily as it made a lumbering side-swipe with its corroded War-Maul. Bungo leapt aside; easily evading the cumbersome assault. The rusted club-like implement crashed into a pillar, and the room seemed to shake momentarily under the crushing impact; dislodging a good quantity of ancient tomb-dust from the straining rafters.


Bungo was already moving; he jumped into the air and landed a vicious double-kick to his opponent’s malformed face. The creature reeled back; holding its bloody mess of a head and yowling incoherently.


“Looks much better!” declared Bungo heroically; admiring his grizzly handiwork from his vantage point on the ground. He was feigning reclining on a chaise longue, much to the chagrin of his opponent and the watching Derpo King. In truth the beast’s hideously concave visage had been reduced to the walking equivalent of an ingrown toenail.


Bungo wasted no more time and drew the crystalline Blade of Donglore; decapitating his blundersome opponent in a satisfyingly explosive eruption of gore. There was a short delay as the creature’s body swayed unsteadily, before collapsing to the ground in a convulsing heap.  


Just as the barbarian was about to make a witty pun, he was again interrupted by the appearance of another adversary.


“You would defile my innermost chamber?” A squeaky voice declared haughtily.


Bungo turned from the Ogroid’s corpse with a groan of dissatisfaction. At this rate he’d never get to loot the body for any treasure.


He salvaged the less than ideal situation with a heroic witticism “That’s what she said!” replied the hero with a smirk; judiciously adjusting his generous man-package for added impact.


The Derpo King was not amused. Enthroned on a raised dais; the blobby creature’s rubbery flesh squeaked menacingly as he waddled from his perch and approached the barbarian on stunted purple legs.


“Time to die man ape!” he squawked; momentarily blinding the barbarian by throwing what appeared to be a half-made garment complete with knitting needles into Bugo’s chiselled face.


Screaming with manly fury and choking on the fluffy garment for a surprisingly long time; Bungo eventually threw the knitting to the floor.


The Derpo King had not been idle during the distraction. A section of wall had slid aside by some arcane means; revealing a colossal Derpo Death Ray in the adjoining chamber. The Derpo King cackled maniacally as he aimed the bulbous weapon and it cycled unsteadily to full power.


Bungo could only swallow uneasily as the Derpo King pulled the ignition leaver and a stream of crackling methane-powered energy arced across the throne room.  



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