Friday 31 May 2024

Bungo the Barbarian - Chapter 23, The Kaleidoscope of Disoriented Pummelling

 Bungo the Barbarian – Chapter 23, The Kaleidoscope of Disoriented Pummelling


Bungo’s broad shouldered form was silhouetted against the setting sun, his hair tussled by a breeze that seemed to be spattering him with a surprising amount of sea spray. From a high vantage point on a rocky knoll just outside Turdmondaz, he surveyed his foe in a suitably heroic fashion.


“Hold still, or I’ll never get these tangles out…” Shallica shrieked; trying desperately to brush through the thick salty knots quickly forming in the barbarian’s luxurious mane of shining golden hair.


“Do you have any idea what the sea air is doing to your hair. What kind of product have you been using anyway? it smells like bacon….” The she devil asked quizzically – one eyebrow raised with an expression that hinted that it probably was bacon grease she was finding.


“There!” Bungo pointed into the sand below where his armoured opponent skittered back and forth on a great chariot. Having left the Adventure Mart far behind to hold their duel, the pair now squared off on a stretch of beach. Bungo’s expression was stern as he eyed the giant conch-shell bodied machine which was pulled by a luridly yellow and pink giant lobster that was easily the size of two horses. On the back of the strange construction stood a figure entirely encased in grizzly rusted armour who was gesticulating what appeared to be a number of ways he would dismember the barbarian, alongside various exotic sexual moves that the barbarian struggled to identify.


Bungo’s face twisted in a grimace of both anger and slight amusement as the Champion of Turdmondaz finally spun his chariot into an attack posture and began an unsteady and surprisingly slow meander towards the barbarian. It was apparent that the Butt-Goblins were no great engineers as the vehicle careened forwards on uneven wheels that shook it from sided to side in a booze-addled charge. The giant lobster clicked menacingly; staring forward with bulging black eyes that gave no hint as to its disposition.


Bungo crouched low as the chariot approached the knoll, grabbing the blade of Donglore in a downward grip.


“Eww, you’re getting more sand in your hair…” Shallica’s voice issued from some unseen place behind the Barbarian’s bulging form where she was still at hard work with her brush.


Suddenly the chariot lurched forwards and began a turn around the knoll; evidently, Bungo’s opponent intended to corner him at the rocky edge.




His body like a giant coiled spring, Bungo leapt high into the air. He threw his arms wide in a colossal body slam as he plummeted downwards.

There was a single moment of what might be dubbed realisation as the armoured helm of the champion tilted upwards just in time to catch a glimpse of the barbarian before he was upon him. Bungo’s unarmoured bulk slammed chest first into his opponent and they were carried tumbling down the sandy incline in a death roll of bulging sinew and steely plate.

The death roll was surprisingly scratchy and someone was biting the barbarian. At some stage in the roll, he managed to look behind himself and saw that he had inadvertently dragged Shallica along with him and she was busy accosting both men in a frenzy of raging claws.

“Oahhhoo… that’s a delicate area” The champion sputtered – seemingly unaccustomed to the tender mercies of the she-devil as she sank her claws deep into his groin. Somewhere repressed in his muddled memory, Bungo had a distant recollection as to exactly why he had begun to wear an armoured crotch plate in the first place. Luckily, there was little time to consider the trauma further.

The world continued to blur by in a tornado of spiralling sand and jagged rocks. Somewhere mid fall, Shallica had freed herself; leaving the two men in a kaleidoscope of disoriented pummelling. They finally fell to rest after colliding with a particularly large and hard rock.

Bungo’s hand’s pawed desperately for a weak spot in the armoured shell of his opponent’s body, but he struggled for purchase against the slick surface. For a moment, he had the champion in a deadly choke hold only to realise he was squeezing nothing but groaning metal. Somewhere in the confusion, the armoured titan had the opportunity to draw a dagger and soon the two warriors fumbled in a life or death struggle over the weapon.


The Champion rolled on top of Bungo, using his full weight to bear down on the jagged glistening point of the weapon. Bungo’s greasy body slid on the sandy ground as he struggled to find purchase against the brute above him. Throwing caution to the wind, he brought up both legs against what he thought was his opponent’s chest and thrust them out straight in a thundering double kick.


Both feet collided savagely with the champion’s pre-tenderised crotch. With a howling screech the armoured bulk of his enemy was thrown back in a soaring buttocks-first ark that sent him several meters to the ground.


With barely enough time to gurgle something incoherent about fighting dirty the champion’s head listed to one side as he neared unconsciousness. Perhaps fortunately, he had little time to register the sight of the raging she-devil driven lobster hauled chariot that was bearing down upon him. The ungainly device ploughed straight over him; reducing the now somewhat less imposing fiend into a mostly reddish and rather salty paste.

Dusting himself down with a satisfied grin, Bungo was pleased to see a large golden key on the sand – apparently unharmed by the brutal pulping.

“Turdmondaz…. Front door…” Bungo read the large tag attached with amusement.

Somewhere in the distance, Shallica’s uncontrolled charge continued at a pace; her passing heralded by the combined cry of terrorised Butt-goblins and what he could only interpret as screeching insectile elation.

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