Thursday, 22 December 2016

Christnimmus – Echoes on the Plains of Undrensphere

Today's Christmas offering stars Bignimuus; you can think of him as a completely over-muscled and brainless Space Marine, from a painfully stupid chapter known only as the "Warrior Brothers", who value only size and strength, and apparently turned heretic at some point.
I wrote this story over a year ago for last Christmas as a bit of a holiday joke. It was actually about the 10th Bignimuus chapter, so if you like this one I might go back and publish some more from the Book of Doom (also known as assorted joke writings that were mostly sent in e-mail form from an office desk somewhere in the UK).
Christnimmus – Echoes on the Plains of Undrensphere
Bignimuus had heard of Christmas vaguely – a time of red and gold, where legends were made …. Or something. Regardless of that he was well informed that it involved going up to the roof at night, after that came time to “deliver the presents”. Bignimuus’ booming laughter echoed across the sleepy town as he armed a hundred Dual-Core Fusion Blast-Bombs, before throwing the sack of “presents” across his back and mounting his turbo charged Jet-Sleigh, adorned with trophy carcasses of defeated enemies and reindeer bones.
“Time to get in the spirit” drawled Bignimuus as he revved the Jet-Sleigh indulgently, inadvertently raising the front end to an almost crazed angle before speeding off over the snowy rooftops.
After pulling sky-doughnuts for over an hour, Bignimuus made his move. The large and now very dizzy marine headed for the first chimney. With little artistry he shoved several of the bombs down the chimney with a huge mailed fist. The chimney broke apart under the impact and the bombs stuck due to their massive size. Undeterred, Bignimuss leant out of the saddle and implemented a manoeuvre known as the “mighty christmas boot” to pulverise the chimney into submission.
With the bombs firmly lodged in place several feet inside the decimated roof, Bignimmus sped to the next target. This time forgoing the chimney altogether he slam dunked the bomb straight through the roof, eliciting a stream of expletives from the residents….
The night continued and many more presents were delivered before dawn.
As the scarlet sun arose over the horizon, Bignimuus watched the spectacle from behind his big faceplate form a point high above the town. A sudden flash and a huge mushroom cloud removed all evidence of the settlement.
“Season’s Greetings” growled Bignimuus, in a voice like a jammed quad-chegger…..

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