Today's
Christmas offering stars Bignimuus; you can think of him as a completely
over-muscled and brainless Space Marine, from a painfully stupid chapter known
only as the "Warrior Brothers", who value only size and strength, and
apparently turned heretic at some point.
I
wrote this story over a year ago for last Christmas as a bit of a holiday joke.
It was actually about the 10th Bignimuus chapter, so if you like this one I
might go back and publish some more from the Book of Doom (also known as
assorted joke writings that were mostly sent in e-mail form from an office desk
somewhere in the UK).
Christnimmus
– Echoes on the Plains of Undrensphere
Bignimuus
had heard of Christmas vaguely – a time of red and gold, where legends were
made …. Or something. Regardless of that he was well informed that it involved
going up to the roof at night, after that came time to “deliver the presents”.
Bignimuus’ booming laughter echoed across the sleepy town as he armed a hundred
Dual-Core Fusion Blast-Bombs, before throwing the sack of “presents” across his
back and mounting his turbo charged Jet-Sleigh, adorned with trophy carcasses
of defeated enemies and reindeer bones.
“Time
to get in the spirit” drawled Bignimuus as he revved the Jet-Sleigh
indulgently, inadvertently raising the front end to an almost crazed angle
before speeding off over the snowy rooftops.
After
pulling sky-doughnuts for over an hour, Bignimuus made his move. The large and
now very dizzy marine headed for the first chimney. With little artistry he
shoved several of the bombs down the chimney with a huge mailed fist. The
chimney broke apart under the impact and the bombs stuck due to their massive
size. Undeterred, Bignimuss leant out of the saddle and implemented a manoeuvre
known as the “mighty christmas boot” to pulverise the chimney into submission.
With
the bombs firmly lodged in place several feet inside the decimated roof,
Bignimmus sped to the next target. This time forgoing the chimney altogether he
slam dunked the bomb straight through the roof, eliciting a stream of
expletives from the residents….
The
night continued and many more presents were delivered before dawn.
As
the scarlet sun arose over the horizon, Bignimuus watched the spectacle from
behind his big faceplate form a point high above the town. A sudden flash and a
huge mushroom cloud removed all evidence of the settlement.
“Season’s
Greetings” growled Bignimuus, in a voice like a jammed quad-chegger…..
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