Friday, 16 December 2016

Bungo the Barbarian, Chapter 16 – Innuendo Crescendo



The Excelsior rode low in the water. Its massive form seemed to rock unsteadily in time to the undulating waves; helpless under the weight of its own lavishly bedecked aft castles and silken finery. Its cabins were painted sloppily in a generously applied, and seedily peeling coat of thick red paint. The whole ship was gloriously topped in what appeared from a distance to be solid gold wheel at the centre of the helm, but would on closer inspection be revealed as a cheap brass knockoff encrusted with a generously audacious quantity of rhinestones and worthless baubles. As if that wasn’t enough; the gaudy decorations were entirely eclipsed by a colossal topless mermaid statue that boldly crested the prow of the ship.


Bungo noticed none of these seemingly small details as heaved Wendy up the gang-plank; bracing his back against her generous hind quarters and pushing with all of his titanic strength. He was excitedly eyeing the words “Excelsior” that had been proudly embossed on the side of the ship when something stopped the odd baggage train in its tracks.


“Hold it right there!”


Bungo peered round his steed to see a small green Goblin blocking his path; the creature seemed to be bizarrely dressed in a brocaded jacket and tri-corner hat. Even stranger he seemed to be wearing an eye-patch, but was lifting it up to get a good look at the intruding individuals. His beady eyes hungrily took in Bungo’s herculean form.



“You mean you don’t know who I am?” The odd Goblin gestured at a large badge on his baroque jacket.


“Janboe Tigg, Pimp of the Seas…” Bungo read the words slowly, not quite comprehending their meaning. Without concerning himself with the little details like what he was about to get himself into, or what was actually going on, the adventurer made a move to continue up the gang-plank.


“I require passage…” as soon as the words left the barbarian’s mouth, Janboe went to work. He clapped his hand once, seemingly signalling the crew. The deck soon rang with the patter of dainty footsteps as a parade of scantily clad women lined up in rows in front of the dumbstruck barbarian, along with a row of infuriatingly camp sailors.


“Petunia’s got one hell of a passage; gotta be seen to be believed!” the incredulous Goblin said with a generous wink; waving his arm in the direction of a particularly girth-some woman who was beckoning Bungo invitingly.


“Just step right up and that’ll be 3 Pieces of Silver, thank you very much.” He paused for a moment, eyeing Shallica up-and-down curiously, before speaking again.


“What’s wrong with this one; a case of Demon-Wang?” Shallica immediately turned red at the suggestion, but Janboe continued regardless.


“I think I’ve got an ointment for that, doesn’t cure the Wang, but soothes the engorgement.”


Bungo finally managed to interrupt the crazed Goblin’s repartee for a moment by waving his arms wildly.


“I don’t want to buy sex! I want to be taken, you know PASSSAGE on THIS SHIP!” Bungo’s booming words reverberated across the deck. The last shouts causing a clamour amongst the crew as they struggled to get a better look at the barbarian interloper.


“Oh, right…” Janboe was thinking again for a minute.


“Taken on the ship…” The Goblin ummed and ahh’d for a moment before snapping his fingers.


“I’ve got it!” He clapped his hands twice more and a muscular man with a moustache appeared from out of the crowd.


“This is Klaus, he’ll take your passage on this ship all day long! And for only 2 Pieces of Silver!”


There was a slight pause while Bungo’s prehistoric intellect struggled to come to terms with what was happening. Unfortunately the thinking time was mistaken for indecision by Janboe, who immediately offered him a two for one deal and a loyalty card before the barbarian could finally interject again.


“What if” Bungo began slowly, sounding out the words one by one in an attempt to get through the labyrinthine sex-trap of a mind he was contending with.


“I” the barbarian stopped to gesture to himself and his companions. Janboe was nodding eagerly.


“Want a cabin” He paused again, looking the Goblin directly in the eyes for signs of acknowledgement. “Without the sex.” The crew fell silent with looks of confusion. A few laughed at the preposterousness of it, and more than one snicker was heard, until Janboe hushed them meaningfully.


“Alone? Everyone in their own room?” The buccaneering Goblin, stopped for a moment.


“I get it, but y’know that it’ll cost more to drill the peep-holes right?”


Bungo was about to argue, but at this rate it didn’t seem like he’d get a better deal. Exacerbated and more than a little confused, he pushed Wendy’s monstrous form on board with Shallica in tow and they were quickly shown to their adjoining cabins.


After promising to come back with a drill, Janboe finally left. As the door creaked shut Bungo cold hear a faint voice echoing through the wall from the next cabin.


“I don’t have Demon Wang…” Shallica pouted quietly to herself.

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