The Excelsior rode low in the water. Its massive
form seemed to rock unsteadily in time to the undulating waves; helpless under
the weight of its own lavishly bedecked aft castles and silken finery. Its
cabins were painted sloppily in a generously applied, and seedily peeling coat
of thick red paint. The whole ship was gloriously topped in what appeared from
a distance to be solid gold wheel at the centre of the helm, but would on
closer inspection be revealed as a cheap brass knockoff encrusted with a
generously audacious quantity of rhinestones and worthless baubles. As if that
wasn’t enough; the gaudy decorations were entirely eclipsed by a colossal
topless mermaid statue that boldly crested the prow of the ship.
Bungo noticed none of these seemingly small details
as heaved Wendy up the gang-plank; bracing his back against her generous hind
quarters and pushing with all of his titanic strength. He was excitedly eyeing
the words “Excelsior” that had been proudly embossed on the side of the ship
when something stopped the odd baggage train in its tracks.
“Hold it right there!”
Bungo peered round his steed to see a small green
Goblin blocking his path; the creature seemed to be bizarrely dressed in a
brocaded jacket and tri-corner hat. Even stranger he seemed to be wearing an eye-patch,
but was lifting it up to get a good look at the intruding individuals. His
beady eyes hungrily took in Bungo’s herculean form.
“You mean you don’t know who I am?” The odd Goblin
gestured at a large badge on his baroque jacket.
“Janboe Tigg, Pimp of the Seas…” Bungo read the
words slowly, not quite comprehending their meaning. Without concerning himself
with the little details like what he was about to get himself into, or what was
actually going on, the adventurer made a move to continue up the gang-plank.
“I require passage…” as soon as the words left the
barbarian’s mouth, Janboe went to work. He clapped his hand once, seemingly
signalling the crew. The deck soon rang with the patter of dainty footsteps as
a parade of scantily clad women lined up in rows in front of the dumbstruck
barbarian, along with a row of infuriatingly camp sailors.
“Petunia’s got one hell of a passage; gotta be seen
to be believed!” the incredulous Goblin said with a generous wink; waving his
arm in the direction of a particularly girth-some woman who was beckoning Bungo
invitingly.
“Just step right up and that’ll be 3 Pieces of
Silver, thank you very much.” He paused for a moment, eyeing Shallica
up-and-down curiously, before speaking again.
“What’s wrong with this one; a case of Demon-Wang?”
Shallica immediately turned red at the suggestion, but Janboe continued
regardless.
“I think I’ve got an ointment for that, doesn’t cure
the Wang, but soothes the engorgement.”
Bungo finally managed to interrupt the crazed
Goblin’s repartee for a moment by waving his arms wildly.
“I don’t want to buy sex! I want to be taken, you
know PASSSAGE on THIS SHIP!” Bungo’s booming words reverberated across the
deck. The last shouts causing a clamour amongst the crew as they struggled to
get a better look at the barbarian interloper.
“Oh, right…” Janboe was thinking again for a minute.
“Taken on the ship…” The Goblin ummed and ahh’d for
a moment before snapping his fingers.
“I’ve got it!” He clapped his hands twice more and a
muscular man with a moustache appeared from out of the crowd.
“This is Klaus, he’ll take your passage on this ship
all day long! And for only 2 Pieces of Silver!”
There was a slight pause while Bungo’s prehistoric
intellect struggled to come to terms with what was happening. Unfortunately the
thinking time was mistaken for indecision by Janboe, who immediately offered
him a two for one deal and a loyalty card before the barbarian could finally
interject again.
“What if” Bungo began slowly, sounding out the words
one by one in an attempt to get through the labyrinthine sex-trap of a mind he
was contending with.
“I” the barbarian stopped to gesture to himself and
his companions. Janboe was nodding eagerly.
“Want a cabin” He paused again, looking the Goblin
directly in the eyes for signs of acknowledgement. “Without the sex.” The crew
fell silent with looks of confusion. A few laughed at the preposterousness of
it, and more than one snicker was heard, until Janboe hushed them meaningfully.
“Alone? Everyone in their own room?” The buccaneering
Goblin, stopped for a moment.
“I get it, but y’know that it’ll cost more to drill
the peep-holes right?”
Bungo was about to argue, but at this rate it didn’t
seem like he’d get a better deal. Exacerbated and more than a little confused,
he pushed Wendy’s monstrous form on board with Shallica in tow and they were quickly
shown to their adjoining cabins.
After promising to come back with a drill, Janboe
finally left. As the door creaked shut Bungo cold hear a faint voice echoing
through the wall from the next cabin.
“I don’t have Demon Wang…” Shallica pouted quietly
to herself.
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