Bungo
the Barbarian - Chapter 4, The Unexpected Booty.
Bungo
scrutinised the filthy piece of paper with a well-practiced adventurer’s eye.
Needless to say his first reaction had been to stuff the paper into his mouth
in a desperate attempt to see if it was made of gold, unfortunately his fears
were confirmed when the heady aroma and abysmal flavour had left no question in
his mind that the yellow staining was merely Derpo faeces.
Spluttering
uncontrollably and wiping at his streaming eyes; Bungo was suddenly roused to
awareness again by a distant rumbling noise, followed by the crash of a
portcullis somewhere in the Temple.
“I’ve
got you now Bungo!” whined an unreasonably high pitched, annoying voice from
nowhere in particular. It seemed to be emanating from the walls themselves.
“Trapped?”
mused Bungo, as he stroked his chiselled jaw. As if in time to his own thoughts
there was another rumbling noise and a massive wrought-iron cage was lowered
from the ceiling on several colossal chains. It crashed to the ground roughly
and the door sprung open.
“Prepare
to meet your doom Bungo!” the grating voice cried, followed by the sound of
maniacal laughter that dwindled into the distance.
A
creature burst from the confines of the cage in a blur of fur and fangs. “A
Gassmonnog?” gasped Bungo, in a manly fashion.
The
creature was easily 4 times as tall as the erstwhile barbarian and its lupine
form was crested with seven chittering hawkish heads. Its foul mutations were
even more evident than that though and Bungo was horrified to see a pair of
large and unruly breasts that hung pendulously from its bestial torso; and
seemed to be constantly trod underfoot during its ill-advised attempts to move.
“Foul
creature who would defy the beauty of breasts” Bungo swore a solemn curse as he
circled the prowling creature. “Prepare to die by my blade”. With that last
utterance, Bungo leapt bodily into the air and drew Donglore in a blistering downward
execution strike. The creature squawked with terror as Bungo landed with
volcanic force on its exposed back and buried the blade deep between its
shoulder blades. Crimson ichor erupted from the wound in a bloody fountain, but
before Bungo could finish the strike and bury the blade in its heart he was
beset by a flurry of gnashing beaks. He stumbled back under the onslaught;
momentarily losing his footing on its undulating back. The loss of focus was
all it took for his grip to loosen and the burly barbarian was thrown roughly
to the ground.
Bungo
looked up from his prone position in time to see the creature rear up;
preparing to crush his manly form into somewhat less manly sludge.
Bungo
the Barbarian - Chapter 5, Toilet-Brush with Death
For an agonising moment Bungo’s life flashed before
his eyes. His reverie was broken when the room erupted in a shower of crimson
lightning that left the Gassmonnog frizzled, convulsing and defecating
uncontrollably.
Bungo didn’t care where the lightning had come from;
all that mattered was that he had the chance to seize victory. He sprang from
the ground and grabbed the hilt of his mighty blade where it still protruded
from the beast’s back. His biceps bulged as he twisted the weapon like a
ghastly corkscrew; suitably blenderising the prone monster’s internal organs.
Its death rattle echoed through the chamber with a sound that was faintly
reminiscent of the explosive anal decompression that Bungo had once suffered
while under the tender mercies of the Butt-Goblins of Turdmondaz.
Silence descended once again and Bungo was left
panting to catch his breath.
“Oh Bungie, that was so manly” beckoned a honey
laden, seductive voice from a darkened corner of the room.
“Shallica?” The question probed the darkness
momentarily, until the familiar succubean princess hovered into view. As usual
she was levitating at head height with the barbarian; reclining on a bed of
invisible air, and kicking her legs absentmindedly as she moved. Her voluptuous
form was scantily clad in the traditional bikini-armour of her kin.
“Must you always interrupt my deadly struggles?”
Bungo’s heroic voice echoed through the empty chamber.
“Well, I just got so jealous seeing you getting all
sweaty with another woman”
“A woman?” Bungo queried, surveying his surroundings
for the damsel in question.
“Well, it did have breasts!” Shallica pouted;
vaguely gesturing at the mauled carcass of the once proud Gassmonnog.
It was at that moment that Bungo suddenly spun away
from the jealous succubus.
“Did you hear that?” he rumbled.
“I think I did” Shallica paused; licking her lips
seductively. “Did it sound like something BIG and HARD hitting the inside of your
fabulous crotch plate?…” The last few syllables were obscured by a sudden flow
of saliva and her eyes hungrily explored Bungo’s masculine form.
“We need to investigate” replied Bungo obliviously;
his attention was focused elsewhere.
Shallica’s only reply was an impish giggle as she
floated ever closer to the barbarian’s generous cod piece. Her advance was cut
short however; as Bungo planted an enormous boot straight through the wall to
his immediate left. The masonry crumpled pathetically under the crushing
impact; seemingly imploding in on itself for a moment as his leg disappeared up
to the knee into the strained stonework. As the dust settled the hole in the
wall revealed an adjacent corridor.
"Excelsior!" he declared deafeningly,
before striking a pose and bounding off down the freshly excavated passage.
Shallica followed silently in toe; dribbling incoherently and mumbling about
the heroic qualities of Bungo’s firm buttocks.
Well that rounds out this week's episode of everyone's favourite Barbarian. If you missed the first 3 earth shatteringly divine chapters find them here:
Don't forget to check back in next Friday for the next nail-biting instalment.
No comments:
Post a Comment