Friday, 8 April 2016

Warhammer Pickup Lines - Part 2

  1. Hey baby, mind if my Old One Eye penetrates your Devilfish?
  2. I hope that during our game my Silver Helm will lance deep into your "unit"....
  3. You must worship Tzeench .... because you've definitely caused a change in my pants!
  4. Hey baby, do you wanna see my Monstrous Creature?
  5. You must be an Apothecary, because I can tell you want to take all the gene-seed I've got!
  6. I painted this Noise Marine just for you. Something tells me you're a woman who appreciates a purple-headed warrior!
  7. I think you'd like playing Necrons, because those Orbs brought new life to my body!

I can't take all the credit for these as some of them are from a half remembered forum thread I heard about a few years ago. Sometimes a good joke just sticks with you!

Now for something even better. It turns out that you can actually take these lines and start to add them together to make some kind of chronic battle-report gone erotic novel . (For some reason it works much better from a woman's point of view). It goes something like this:

At first I was hesitant to play his game, but he was so insistent. Before I knew it his soaring Monstrous Creature was out in the open and was slowly moving towards my exposed Devilfish.

"Not so rough" I screamed as our units rubbed against one another. The hard protrusion of his Old One Eye scraped mercilessly against the smooth contours of my freshly painted weapon.

"Here I go" he yelled vigorously before starting the game. At first it was gentle and his unit only glanced against the outer layer of mine; I breathed a sigh of relief.

"I'm not done yet" he grunted, before beginning another attack. This time I screamed as he mercilessly penetrated my Devilfish. He penetrated my unit again and again; the brutal onslaught built to an explosive crescendo. I wailed uncontrollably as he ruined my Devilfish over and over.

I panted with exertion as the game ended.

"Just wait till next week" he smirked. "We'll try something different. I think you're really gonna love it when my Battle Barge flies through your Eye of Terror"....

Is this a good time to mention that Black Library are looking for new writers? Who thinks I should enter with 500 words of smutty battle report?

Until next time fellow Space Adventurers .... Derp on \m/

For those who missed the first part of my quest for Warhammer related pickup lines, you can find it here: Pickup Lines Part 1

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